Art of War: Pornography Addiction

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”— Sun Tzu, Art of War

How does one combat one’s self?

 Therein lies the problem with pornography addiction, which “… activates the same addiction centres in the brain as alcohol and heroin,” according to a recent Cambridge University Study. Except, unlike drugs, alcohol, or heroin, which are typically harder to acquire, pornography exists everywhere — television, computers, and even phones. An individual can’t run from pornography, or even avoid it.

 What they can do is combat it.

 “Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.”

 Before one attempts to battle their addiction, they must first understand what causes the addiction. Therapists and psychiatrists can help determine the underlining problems — stress, isolation, low self-esteem, etc. — that lead to an individual’s bad behaviors, and then develop a Treatment Plan based on their findings.

 “So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.”

 A Treatment Plan provides the type of prolonged resistance needed to battle a disease such as pornography. Rather than merely attempt to stop an individual from viewing inappropriate material, a Treatment Plan sets up defenses that not only halt the addiction, but also keeps it from ever striking back.

 Would you rather go to battle with a few weeks worth of supplies — enough to win a small skirmish — or the type of arsenal needed to defeat an enemy soundly enough that it never returns?

 “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete.”

 Pornography addiction remains a volatile problem in today’s world. The only way to combat this ever-growing threat is to be prepared to battle all of its advances. By understanding one’s self, one’s needs, and one’s desires, and learning all they can about the problem, an addict can develop a sound strategy to combat and destroy their enemy once and for all. 

Is pornography as destructive to adolescent development as drug abuse?

The abuse of drugs and alcohol during by teens has been an area of concern among parents, teachers and mental health experts for many years. Prevention and treatment efforts are found in virtually every community in the nation and most agree that teen drug abuse is a societal issue that needs continued focus due to its damaging effects.

In recent years, due to the ease of access to pornography and the increased sexualization of our culture, increasing numbers of teens are viewing pornography on a regular basis, and in many cases becoming addicted.  Unfortunately, the same level of concern that accompanies teen drug abuse seems to be lacking with the new phenomena of teens and porn.  There are a variety of explanations for why there is not more being done including the mistaken belief held by some that “boys will boys” while normalizing the behavior and accepting the idea that it is simply part of adolescent sexuality to be curious and to explore porn.  Another is the incorrect idea that it is a moral issue that should be left to parents and churches to deal with, rather than viewing it as a developmental issue that impacts a teen’s emotional, psychological, neurological and social development. 

According to sociologist Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends:

1. Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce

2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction

3. Infidelity

4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity

associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices

5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing

6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual Behavior

Too often, we minimize potential problems with teen pornography use and simply hope they will somehow go away on their own.  As parents and professionals, we need to be more vigilant to assure that those teens who are struggling with pornography addiction are able to get help in breaking free from the addiction.  Failing to do so holds both short-term and long-term damaging ramifications for youth.  In most cases, individuals addicted to pornography are unable to break the addiction on their own and as outlined above, the potential trends lead to the destruction of future families and the decay of society.

Does your teen’s smart phone have more influence than you?

An increasingly common frustration we hear from parents is the competition that exists between them and their teen’s smart phone. Parent complaints cover a wide variety of concerns including trouble listening/focusing, obsessive game playing, viewing porn, sexting, cyber-bullying and staying up all night watching videos to name just a few. We all are aware of just how consumed we can become in our phones and of course, teens are no exception. While it is a fact that most teens are now packing smart phones, our belief is that there should not be a competition for a teen’s attention.  Parents should always trump a smart phone. If you are losing this competition and your teen’s smart phone has more influence than you do, then we have eight suggestions for you to take control of the situation:

1. You as the Parent owns the phone—The teen needs to know you bought it, you pay the bill and you are simply “loaning” it to them.  You set the password and you have the right to take the phone whenever you want.

2.  The primary purpose of the teen having the phone is for YOU to contact THEM.  The teen needs to understand that whenever the Caller ID says MOM or DAD that the call NEVER goes to voicemail. 

3.  You as the parent set the curfew for possession of the phone, and yes, there needs to be a curfew.  The teen should not have possession of the phone beyond the time you set in the evening.   You as the parent charge the phone in your safe keeping overnight and then assign to the teen’s possession again in the morning.

4. It is the teen’s responsibility to care for the phone.  Lost or damaged phones are on him/her, not you as the parent. 

5.  There is a zero tolerance policy for dishonesty, deceit or manipulation of others.  Any involvement in cyber-bullying or conversations that are hurtful to others are not tolerated.  Parents are to be accepted as followers on all social networks. Message to the teen: Do not text, email, or say anything using the smartphone you would not say in person or with me as the parent in the room.

6.  No porn and no sexting.  Message to the teen: Search the web for information you would openly share with me.  If you have a question about anything, ask me as the parent.  Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts.  Do not send or receive pictures that in any way are revealing or sexual in nature.   The development of a cyber-sex addiction will not occur on my watch.

7.  Face to Face conversation always takes precedence. Message to teen: Never allow your smart phone to interfere with a face to face conversation with someone else.  Do not text or browse while speaking with another human being or while you are supposed to be listening or paying attention to adults.  You are not a rude person; do not allow the smart phone to change that.

8.  The smart phone is an earned privilege.  Message to teen: You will mess up.  I will take away your phone.  We will sit down and talk about it.  We will start over again.  You may lose internet access on the phone or you may lose the privilege entirely.  You must show me you can be trusted to possess a smart phone.  Post the rules in plain sight and draft an agreement. Once you’ve set the ground rules, make sure the rules for your teen’s smart phone usage are crystal clear.

Three reasons to not ignore teen pornography use

In our technology-driven modern culture where pornographic media is increasingly common place, it can be easy to downplay the use of pornography among today’s teens as “normal curiosity”, “just a phase” or “part of exploring one’s sexuality”.  Additionally, given the deterioration of morality in society, the use of pornography is not even viewed as a problem by some and the idea of its use being pathological is mocked and ridiculed. 

Because porn is so abundant, easy to access and regularly viewed, increasing numbers of teens do not hold the belief that viewing pornography is harmful, but rather believe that “everyone is doing it” and view the behavior as normal and acceptable.

Don’t fool yourself and keep your head buried in the sand about this growing problem in our society.  Pornography use among teens can have devastating consequences.

1.       Pornography is addictive.  Neuroscience findings show that pornography addiction impacts the brain the same way that drug and alcohol addiction does.  Teen brains are particularly susceptible to pornography addiction as the neurochemicals released while viewing pornography create a euphoria not previously experienced and quickly train the brain to crave the “high” that accompanies viewing.   Easier to access and conceal than drugs or alcohol and with a virtually endless supply of free material, pornography can rapidly become an addiction and nobody but the young addict is even aware.  Breaking the addiction can be incredibly difficult.  Individuals addicted to both drugs and porn share that breaking a porn addiction can be more difficult.

2.       Pornography distorts a teen’s view of sexuality.   Unfortunately, increasing numbers of children gain their knowledge about sexuality from pornography and the internet, rather than from their parents. More cases are being seen in juvenile courts involving young children and teens exposed to pornography “acting out” activities they have viewed in pornographic media leading to problems such as sexual abuse and reckless sexual behavior.  Additionally, regular porn use leads to the “objectification of people for their bodies” rather than viewing them as individuals such as somebody’s sister or somebody’s daughter.  Young men who regularly view pornography become trained to view women as mere sex objects and young women come to believe that they must strive to have the body of a porn star to be valued by society.  Ultimately the act of sex becomes so devalued and distorted that it serves no purpose beyond a tool for selfish pleasure, rather than the cherished and respected act that is the ultimate form of expression of love and bonding between a couple and the source of creating new life.

3.       Pornography destroys relationships.  Marriage counselors have seen a dramatic rise in the number of couples experiencing marital problems as a result of pornography.  Though hard for youth to comprehend, teens addicted to pornography have trained their brains to arouse to porn, which can interfere with their ability to effectively engage in a healthy marital relationship later in life.  A recent phenomena noted by therapists and physicians is erectile dysfunction in young men who can arouse to pornography, but not to regular healthy sex with their partner.   Additionally, most spouses do not approve of their partner viewing porn.  This leads the addict to keeping the addiction secret which creates trust issues and conflict in a young marriage.  Lastly, teens that develop an addiction to pornography often do so at the expense of participation in socialization and relationships with peers.  The formation of addiction and the inability to quit viewing creates unwanted emotions of shame, guilt, embarrassment, increased secrecy, depression and self-loathing which make it more difficult in young adulthood to work toward intimacy with a partner.

Five benefits of outpatient group therapy for struggling teens

 A recent CDC study has estimated that one in five children in America is suffering with a mental disorder of some type and the need for quality mental health treatment for youth has never been greater.  Because of the prohibitive cost of residential treatment, more and more youth are being seen in outpatient clinics and counseling offices as concerned parents seek help for their children. 

A majority of mental health clinics and offices utilize individual therapy as the primary mode of treatment.   Finding therapists that utilize group therapy is more difficult, despite the known benefits of using group therapy with youth.   Some therapists simply prefer to not work with teens because of the difficulties involved with engaging a teen in treatment.  Many therapists shy away from using group therapy because it can be extremely difficult to run effective group therapy with youth.  It takes a highly skilled therapist to run a good group session with resistant teens. 

  Listed below are five benefits for the utilization of group therapy for treating difficult youth:

1.       Participation in group therapy sessions provides young people with the realization that they are not alone in their problems and that others experience similar problems.  Youth often feel alienated from others and experience a great deal of loneliness.  Group therapy provides the opportunity for youth to feel a sense of belonging and cohesiveness.  This allows for youth to develop the skill of learning to connect and bond with others.

2.       Participation in group therapy creates opportunities for interpersonal learning by receiving feedback from each other and experimenting with new ways of relating.  “Group think” can be a powerful tool for helping youth to find new ways of approaching their problems.  This is an opportunity that simply can’t be duplicated in an individual therapy setting.

3.       The treatment group setting provides a safe setting for accountability as the youth report their efforts to manage their unwanted behaviors.  This contradicts the self-talk of many youth who tend to keep their struggles secret because of the shame they often feel.  Participation in group reduces the shame and encourages honesty and openness.   As youth progress in their treatment, they are able to begin to give back and help newer group members.  This creates self-esteem and self-worth.   Group therapy teaches youth to turn to people instead of addictions and dependencies in their time of need. 

4.       Participation in group therapy instills hope to young people that they can recover from their problems.  Senior group members share their successes with newer group members and group members encourage one another to work to achieve their goals. 

5.       Participation in group therapy is a more cost-effective way to provide therapy.  Psychotherapy services can be expensive, particularly for those who are not able to offset the cost with health insurance.  Group therapy sessions can be a more affordable way for parents to assure their child is in treatment each week without having to pay out of pocket for more expensive individual therapy sessions.

Therapy Associates is an outpatient clinic located in St. George, Utah that specializes in the treatment of children, teens and young adults.  Group therapy is a preferred method of treatment.  The clinic provides group therapy treatment to teens and young adults and runs group therapy sessions for substance abuse, gaming addiction, adolescent girls’ issues, pornography/sexual addiction and sexual offenses.  See our website to find out more about our therapeutic services for children, teens and young adults in the St. George, Utah area.

Q & A: Can the Mending The Armor program help teens who are struggling with other sexual behavior problems besides pornography?

Absolutely.  The Mending The Amor program is a great treatment option for teens who are struggling with a variety of non-legal sexual behavior problems.  We have been able to successful help many teens overcome various sexual behavior issues including: fetishes, voyeurism, compulsive masturbation, sexting, sexual promiscuity, cybersex, hypersexual talk and behavior, and of course pornography addiction. 

Finding treatment for sexual behavior problems for youth can be difficult.  Most communities have counseling offices that provide programs designed for juvenile sexual offenders who have committed sexual offenses, but few counseling offices offer treatment options for teens who are struggling with sexual behaviors that have not resulted in legal problems. 

Because of the sexualization of our culture and the abundance of pornography and immorality, there has never been a time when the rising generation has had a greater need for guidance and direction regarding sexuality in their lives.

The Mending The Armor program provides a formal, structured approach to help teens to identify what healthy sexuality is and then develop a plan to achieve it.  The program also helps teens to identify and more effectively manage the underlying emotional issues which typically drive sexual behavior problems.  The program assists teens in being able to learn to manage sexual behavior problems while they are still young and prevent future problems.

Three misconceptions about pornography addiction and LDS youth that intefere with recovery

As part of our efforts to spread the Mending The Armor program, we have had the chance to visit with many parents, church leaders, therapists and youth from various parts of the country on the topic of pornography addiction among LDS youth and young adults.  Based on these conversations, it seems clear that many youth and young adults struggling with the addiction, but we have been surprised by how few actually seek professional treatment for dealing with the addiction.  Here are three misconceptions that we believe explain this:

1.          Yes, it’s a problem………….but is professional intervention really needed?

Too often, the chronic use of pornography by youth is not viewed as an addiction, but rather just a bad habit.   The word “addiction” is strong and there is hesitancy on the part of parents, church leaders and youth to accept that an addiction exists.  Because of shame and embarrassment, youth may minimize or downplay the extent of the problem.  As a result, parents and church leaders are often not fully aware of the depth of the issue resulting in the conclusion that professional help is not necessary.   The unfortunate reality of pornography addiction is that most are unable to break free on their own without help.

2.          “You just need to try harder.”

Overcoming an addiction to pornography can be very difficult.  Too often, those not familiar with the strength of the addiction simplify the process and expect that more desire and more willpower should result in terminating the addiction.  It is hard for those not familiar with addiction to comprehend why some youth continue to relapse into viewing pornography despite every intention to remain abstinent.  While increased commitment and effort are vital to overcoming the addiction, we need to empower our youth with every possible tool for learning to manage the addiction including spiritual support, emotional support, internet accountability and professional intervention.  In fighting pornography addiction, there is no such thing as too much intervention. 

3.          A few months abstinence equals recovery.

Some addicted youth are able to refrain from viewing pornography for several weeks and even months using willpower.  In some cases, young adults serve missions and refrain from viewing pornography for two years only to return home and fall back into the addiction. While this shows a strong effort on their part, too often youth who have not participated in treatment will eventually relapse back into viewing pornography.  It is important for youth, parents and church leaders to recognize the need for those who have been addicted to have the opportunity to analyze and explore the nature of the addiction including the underlying emotional and psychological issues that lead to the formation of the addiction.  Too often, a few months abstinence is misinterpreted as the problem being resolved and thus, no need for participation in professional treatment.

Q & A: We are not LDS, but I would like to get help for my son who is struggling with a pornography addiction. What is the difference between the STAR Guides program and Mending The Armor program?

STAR Guides and Mending The Armor are nearly identical programs.  Both are specifically designed and created for assisting teens and young adults to break free from pornography addiction and its accompanying behaviors.  They use the same format and share the same treatment philosophy.  They can be used interchangeably.

The only significant difference is that the Mending The Armor incorporates LDS based teachings into the curriculum. For example, In the LDS religion, use of pornography and masturbation requires  youth to repent and confess these actions to their bishop.   Youth who complete the Mending The Armor program are given counsel and guidance to visit with their bishops and follow the church’s guidelines for repentance.  Young men in the LDS church who are preparing to serve missions need to eliminate the habit of masturbation in addition to abstaining from pornography use.  Successful completion of the Mending The Armor program requires youth to achieve abstinence from masturbation in addition to pornography.  In contrast, The STAR Guides program recommends that youth carefully consider the ramifications of a masturbation habit and decide on an individual case by case basis the appropriateness of masturbation rather than making it a program requirement.

It is common for LDS youth and non LDS youth to participate in group treatment together with the only difference being that the LDS youth would be completing the Mending The Armor curriculum and non-LDS youth would be completing the STAR Guides curriculum.

Q & A: How long does it take for a youth to complete the Mending The Armor program?

The program is set up with the expectation that youth accomplish two things:

(1)     Achieve 90 days of abstinence from viewing pornography, masturbation and other unwanted sexual acting out.

(2)    Complete each of the twelve chapters of the Breaking Free workbook.

Some of the youth who have completed the program have done so in as little as three months.  However, most youth participate in the program for a longer period of time.  For some, it simply takes longer than 90 days to complete the two tasks listed above.  For others, they continue to attend our individual and group therapy sessions because they find it helpful, even after they have completed the requirements of the program.

Breaking an addiction to pornography can be a difficult process and it is not uncommon for youth to experience some relapses or setbacks along the way.   Additionally, many youth recognize that learning to manage an addiction to pornography can be a life-long challenge and continuing to attend group sessions serves as an on-going source of support in their efforts to abstain and develop coping skills to deal with the temptations they encounter in their day to day lives.

Most youth who participate in the program attend a combination of individual and/or group therapy sessions on a weekly basis.  We welcome youth to continue to participate in the program as long as they desire so long as they find the services helpful in their recovery.