Three mistakes parents make when working with a child addicted to porn

In our experience working with LDS families battling pornography addiction, we have had the chance to visit with many parents, church leaders, therapists and youth from various parts of the country on the topic of pornography addiction among LDS youth and young adults.  It is apparent that many young LDS members are battling the addiction, but we have been surprised by how few actually seek professional treatment for dealing with the addiction.  Listed are three mistakes that parents make that we believe explain this:

1.          Yes, it’s a problem………….but is professional intervention really needed?

Too often, the chronic use of pornography by youth is not viewed as an addiction, but rather just a bad habit.   The word “addiction” is strong and there is hesitancy on the part of parents, church leaders and youth to accept that an addiction has actually developed.  Because of shame and embarrassment, youth may minimize or downplay the extent of the problem.  As a result, parents and church leaders are often not fully aware of the depth of the issue resulting in the conclusion that professional help is not necessary.   The unfortunate reality of pornography addiction is that most are unable to break free on their own without help.  Parents and church leaders tend to underestimate the level of support and help needed to break the addiction and believe that simply reporting to the bishop when relapse occurs is enough support.  Often it requires both ecclesiastical and professional help over a long period of time to overcome.

2.          “You just need to try harder.”

Overcoming an addiction to pornography can be very difficult.  Too often, those not familiar with the strength of the addiction simplify the process and expect that more desire and more willpower should result in terminating the addiction.  It is hard for those not familiar with addiction to comprehend why some youth continue to relapse into viewing pornography despite every intention to remain abstinent.  While increased commitment and effort are vital to overcoming the addiction, we need to empower our youth with every possible tool for learning to manage the addiction including spiritual support, emotional support, internet accountability and professional intervention.  In fighting pornography addiction, there is no such thing as too much intervention.   This is why both ecclesiastical and professional help are essential.

3.          A few months abstinence equals recovery.

Some addicted youth are able to refrain from viewing pornography for several weeks and even months using willpower.  In some cases, young adults serve missions and refrain from viewing pornography for two years only to return home and fall back into the addiction. While this shows a strong effort on their part, too often youth who have not participated in treatment will eventually relapse back into viewing pornography.  It is important for youth, parents and church leaders to recognize the need for those who have been addicted to have the opportunity to analyze and explore the nature of the addiction including the underlying emotional and psychological issues that lead to the formation of the addiction.  Too often, a few months abstinence is misinterpreted as the problem being resolved and thus, no need for participation in professional treatment.  The reality is that pornography addiction often becomes a life-long management issue and not something that is resolved over the space of a few week or a few months.

Why even LDS teens can struggle with pornography addiction

As one of just a few programs in the country specializing in teen pornography addiction treatment, we are often asked what type of youth seek treatment for addiction to pornography.  The answer is quite simple—“good kids.”  We work with many LDS teens addicted to porn in our programs who are outstanding youth in all facets of their life.  This response can be perplexing for some, so let us expound with three main points to support our answer.

1.       Most youth don’t acknowledge the problem and even fewer are willing to seek help.  Far more youth than we realize are regularly viewing porn.  However many of these teens and even their parents simply refuse to recognize the dangers of porn use and “normalize” the behavior.  LDS teens who do recognize the problems associated with viewing porn have been raised with strong moral values and taught to avoid using porn. For these youth, the formation of a pornography addiction creates serious internal conflict because pornography use contradicts the moral values that have been a part of their upbringing.  In turn, this creates a sense of shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing, anxiety and depression as they find themselves unable to break free from porn addiction.

2.       Addiction to pornography can develop very quickly and after only viewing for a short period of time.  This can create significant problems for LDS teens that have been able to exhibit high levels of self-discipline and control throughout their lives. The euphoric “high” from the plethora of neurochemicals in the brain released while viewing porn is the strongest emotional sensation they have encountered in their young lives.  The subsequent behavior patterns to re-experience this “high” leads to the formation of an addiction.  LDS teens never envision themselves being addicted to anything, let alone pornography. 

3.       Most are unable to break free from the addiction on their own.  This can be incredibly frustrating for LDS youth who have been successful in staying clear of other vices and problems throughout their childhood and adolescence.  When they have encountered problems, they have been able to successfully resolve issues on their own without outside assistance. Many porn addicted teens remain in denial, believing once they decide to do so, they can stop viewing.  However, most are unable to break free from a pornography addiction on their own despite repeated efforts to do so.  Additionally, The “porn high” becomes a coping style for dealing with uncomfortable emotions, similar to the way that drugs and alcohol are used as it becomes a temporary escape from reality.  Instead of dealing with life challenges, it becomes easier for porn addicted youth to log into a virtual erotic fantasyland.  After repeated failed attempts to stop viewing, addicted youth who want to eliminate the behavior from their lives often experience symptoms of depression, emptiness, shame, self-loathing and isolation. 

Let’s take the stigma out of treatment for porn addiction

The ocean slaps against the bottom of your vessel. The blue green water beckons you to swim. It looks enticing; cool, especially on this hot summer day. You look around. No one on the ship will know you’re gone. A quick jump in the water, maybe a few underwater excursions, and you’ll be back on the ship in no time. Almost every ship passenger does it. In fact, diving off a ship is practically commonplace. There have been a few rumblings about possible dangers — getting left behind, or hitting the water too hard — but not enough to provide more safety nets for the crew.

Without another moment’s thought, perhaps even compulsively, you dive into the water headfirst. What fun! You splash around the water, allowing the liquid to cool you off. A quick dive underwater allows you to see things you’ve never seen before. So you do it again, and again. Each time you rise up out of the water you notice the ship moving farther and farther away.

After one last dive, during which you dove deeper than ever before, you find yourself getting tired struggling to reach the surface. The deeper you go, the darker the world becomes until all you can see is blackness. Your lungs grow tired, depleting your ability to hold your breath. Pain follows …

With one last desperate kick, you push yourself to the surface and see several crewmembers, including the captain, looking at you from the bow of the ship. They do nothing to help your situation; though you see them add security precautions so that others don’t follow your actions. You are left alone. Adrift in the sea with no help, and little more than slight council from passing ships, all of who proclaim, “You shouldn’t have fallen in.”

Why don’t they help me, you ask. How was I supposed to know how dangerous my actions were? What can I do to survive?

Unfortunately, the above story reflects the minds of those poor souls currently addicted to pornography. The helplessness one feels when trapped in the bonds created by this addiction mirror being stranded at sea, surrounded by lifeboats, none of whom it seems are keen to help you with your problem. Instead, an addict continually hears how pornography should be avoided at all costs.

What does one who has already become addicted to pornography do? Who do they talk to? Where do they go?

It’s for this reason that “Mending the Armor” and “Star Guides” was created by “Therapy Associates” — to help those souls already adrift, or weighed down by their addiction — not just pornography, but video games, technology, cell phones, internet, etc. — find a path back to dry land.

This does not negate what religious and civil leaders say about pornography. In fact, porn addiction is a disease. Those who have yet to partake of explicit material are best to steer clear, especially in this day and age where filth corrupts the world around us like a growing virus.

Yet, many often overlook the problem at hand: pornography is not simply a growing epidemic. In point of fact, it’s been a problem for quite a while. Rather than brush the problem away as though it were pesky fly, we need to promote treating this addiction for what it really is: a life-sucking disease that requires love, support and professional help to overcome.

At “Therapy Associates,” our aim is to help those trapped in an addictive cycle break free from their present path and find happiness down a new road. We are the ship that, rather than ignorantly demining you for your actions, floats out to give you a hand. We’ll pull you into our ship, sail you to safety and then do our best to keep you from making the same irrational decisions.

We’re here to help.   

Treatment not just prevention efforts needed for teen pornography problem

Over the past year, we have had the good fortune of visiting with parents, teens and professionals from around the country regarding the topic of pornography use among youth.  We have been encouraged by the level of concern expressed by many of those with whom we have interacted.  While most are greatly concerned about the issue and agree that prevention efforts among our youth are vital, those young people who are struggling with addiction issues relating to pornography continue to remain in the shadows.  While research is limited regarding the number of teens addicted to pornography, it does seem apparent to us that very few struggling with compulsive use of pornography are actually getting help.  The fact that so few youth are accessing treatment for this issue is a big concern to us.  Certainly the shame and embarrassment that so often accompanies a pornography addiction is a factor that prevents more from seeking help.  Additionally, the use of pornography becoming more widely accepted in society and its use being considered “normal teen behavior” is likely a factor as well. 

Too often, we minimize potential problems and simply hope they will somehow go away on their own.  As parents and professionals, we need to be more vigilant to assure that those teens who are struggling with pornography addiction are able to get help in breaking free from the addiction.  Failing to do so holds both short-term and long-term damaging ramifications for youth.  In most cases, individuals addicted to pornography are unable to break the addiction on their own.

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:

–– An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society

–– Diminished trust between intimate couples

–– The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy

–– Belief that promiscuity is the natural state

–– Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy

–– Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners

–– Belief that marriage is sexually confining

–– Lack of attraction to family and child-raising

Too many youth do not deal with this issue during their teen years and move into adulthood with an addiction.  As evidenced by the above mentioned study, the consequences lead to the destruction of families and healthy relationships.  In addition to prevention efforts and education about the dangers of pornography, we need to assure that teens struggling with pornography addiction have the chance to get help to break free from the addiction while they are still young.

Three reasons to not ignore teen pornography use

In our technology-driven modern culture where pornographic media is increasingly common place, it can be easy to downplay the use of pornography among today’s teens as “normal curiosity”, “just a phase” or “part of exploring one’s sexuality”.  Additionally, given the deterioration of morality in society, the use of pornography is not even viewed as a problem by some and the idea of its use being pathological is mocked and ridiculed. 

Because porn is so abundant, easy to access and regularly viewed, increasing numbers of teens do not hold the belief that viewing pornography is harmful, but rather believe that “everyone is doing it” and view the behavior as normal and acceptable.

Don’t fool yourself and keep your head buried in the sand about this growing problem in our society.  Pornography use among teens can have devastating consequences.

1.       Pornography is addictive.  Neuroscience findings show that pornography addiction impacts the brain the same way that drug and alcohol addiction does.  Teen brains are particularly susceptible to pornography addiction as the neurochemicals released while viewing pornography create a euphoria not previously experienced and quickly train the brain to crave the “high” that accompanies viewing.   Easier to access and conceal than drugs or alcohol and with a virtually endless supply of free material, pornography can rapidly become an addiction and nobody but the young addict is even aware.  Breaking the addiction can be incredibly difficult.  Individuals addicted to both drugs and porn share that breaking a porn addiction can be more difficult.

2.       Pornography distorts a teen’s view of sexuality.   Unfortunately, increasing numbers of children gain their knowledge about sexuality from pornography and the internet, rather than from their parents. More cases are being seen in juvenile courts involving young children and teens exposed to pornography “acting out” activities they have viewed in pornographic media leading to problems such as sexual abuse and reckless sexual behavior.  Additionally, regular porn use leads to the “objectification of people for their bodies” rather than viewing them as individuals such as somebody’s sister or somebody’s daughter.  Young men who regularly view pornography become trained to view women as mere sex objects and young women come to believe that they must strive to have the body of a porn star to be valued by society.  Ultimately the act of sex becomes so devalued and distorted that it serves no purpose beyond a tool for selfish pleasure, rather than the cherished and respected act that is the ultimate form of expression of love and bonding between a couple and the source of creating new life.

3.       Pornography destroys relationships.  Marriage counselors have seen a dramatic rise in the number of couples experiencing marital problems as a result of pornography.  Though hard for youth to comprehend, teens addicted to pornography have trained their brains to arouse to porn, which can interfere with their ability to effectively engage in a healthy marital relationship later in life.  A recent phenomena noted by therapists and physicians is erectile dysfunction in young men who can arouse to pornography, but not to regular healthy sex with their partner.   Additionally, most spouses do not approve of their partner viewing porn.  This leads the addict to keeping the addiction secret which creates trust issues and conflict in a young marriage.  Lastly, teens that develop an addiction to pornography often do so at the expense of participation in socialization and relationships with peers.  The formation of addiction and the inability to quit viewing creates unwanted emotions of shame, guilt, embarrassment, increased secrecy, depression and self-loathing which make it more difficult in young adulthood to work toward intimacy with a partner.

Celebrating Success

Celebrating Success

The brave youth and young adults who choose to participate in our program truly are among the great and noble ones.   It takes a tremendous amount of courage for these young men to admit to a pornography addiction and to ask for help.  They are motivated by a testimony of the gospel and a strong desire to overcome their addiction.  Most experience the ups and downs in their battle to achieve recovery and face strong adversity and temptation to give up and stop trying.  In their efforts to conquer the addiction, they develop character and integrity and in time, develop the skills to achieve a recovery.

We recently celebrated the success of one of our youth achieving the one year mark for recovery.  This was a great day as this young man had struggled with pornography addiction since he was eleven years-old.  His reaching the year mark was an exciting milestone. 

We also recently celebrated another one of our young adults receiving a mission call.  This was a wonderful moment for him as he has worked so diligently to overcome his addiction.  His becoming worthy to serve a mission and receiving a mission call was an inspiration and motivator to other group members who are striving to overcome the addiction. 

These two successes are testaments to the Mending The Armor group pledge:

“In our battle, we form a brotherhood. Together, we strengthen and support each other as we work toward our goal of becoming men of integrity, worthy husbands and righteous fathers.”

Three misconceptions about pornography addiction and LDS youth that intefere with recovery

As part of our efforts to spread the Mending The Armor program, we have had the chance to visit with many parents, church leaders, therapists and youth from various parts of the country on the topic of pornography addiction among LDS youth and young adults.  Based on these conversations, it seems clear that many youth and young adults struggling with the addiction, but we have been surprised by how few actually seek professional treatment for dealing with the addiction.  Here are three misconceptions that we believe explain this:

1.          Yes, it’s a problem………….but is professional intervention really needed?

Too often, the chronic use of pornography by youth is not viewed as an addiction, but rather just a bad habit.   The word “addiction” is strong and there is hesitancy on the part of parents, church leaders and youth to accept that an addiction exists.  Because of shame and embarrassment, youth may minimize or downplay the extent of the problem.  As a result, parents and church leaders are often not fully aware of the depth of the issue resulting in the conclusion that professional help is not necessary.   The unfortunate reality of pornography addiction is that most are unable to break free on their own without help.

2.          “You just need to try harder.”

Overcoming an addiction to pornography can be very difficult.  Too often, those not familiar with the strength of the addiction simplify the process and expect that more desire and more willpower should result in terminating the addiction.  It is hard for those not familiar with addiction to comprehend why some youth continue to relapse into viewing pornography despite every intention to remain abstinent.  While increased commitment and effort are vital to overcoming the addiction, we need to empower our youth with every possible tool for learning to manage the addiction including spiritual support, emotional support, internet accountability and professional intervention.  In fighting pornography addiction, there is no such thing as too much intervention. 

3.          A few months abstinence equals recovery.

Some addicted youth are able to refrain from viewing pornography for several weeks and even months using willpower.  In some cases, young adults serve missions and refrain from viewing pornography for two years only to return home and fall back into the addiction. While this shows a strong effort on their part, too often youth who have not participated in treatment will eventually relapse back into viewing pornography.  It is important for youth, parents and church leaders to recognize the need for those who have been addicted to have the opportunity to analyze and explore the nature of the addiction including the underlying emotional and psychological issues that lead to the formation of the addiction.  Too often, a few months abstinence is misinterpreted as the problem being resolved and thus, no need for participation in professional treatment.

Q & A: How is the Mending The Armor program different than the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings?

Mending The Armor is a program that has been specifically designed for LDS youth and young adults who are struggling with pornography addiction.  It is not intended to replace or substitute for the LDS addiction recovery program, but rather to prepare youth and young adults to more fully benefit from meetings and to view addiction recovery meetings as a source of long-term support for sustaining a recovery.  Mending The Armor was created by a group of LDS therapists who spent many years working with teens struggling with addiction issues and saw a need for a program for LDS youth struggling with pornography.

Young people who are dealing with an addiction to pornography need all the support and help possible to overcome the addiction.  The Mending The Armor program provides specific instruction and education to understand the science of pornography addiction, the underlying emotional issues that drive the addiction, managing the shame involved with the addiction and the thinking errors used to maintain the addiction.  The program provides strategies for improving thought and impulse control, relapse prevention and provides a formal way of tracking abstinence efforts.  Completion of the Mending The Armor requires that participates complete each of the twelve chapters in the Breaking Free workbook and achieve 90 days of abstinence. 

The Mending The Armor program is a great introductory path into the importance of using the Twelve Step model and the Atonement for overcoming pornography addiction.  Additionally, the program allows young people to participate in a treatment group with other LDS youth struggling with the same issue.  This can make is easier for youth to participate in group settings as in some cases, youth are not yet comfortable in an LDS addiction recovery meeting.

We whole heartedly endorse The LDS Addiction Recovery Program and encourage all of our youth to attend meetings in conjunction with the Mending The Armor program as well as continued attendance to recovery meetings after having completed Mending The Armor.

Teens and Pornography: normal behavior or road to pathology?

Because of the ease of access to explicit materials and the sexualization of our society, parents and professionals are increasingly faced with the task of addressing the use of pornography among teens.  Statistics suggest that 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to internet pornography before the age of 18.  67% of youth admit to clearing their browsing history to hide their on-line behavior.   70% of young men between the ages of 18 to 24 admit to visiting pornography websites on a monthly basis. 

In the past, viewing pornography has been viewed as a taboo and unacceptable behavior for teens.  Is viewing pornography considered a normal and acceptable behavior for today’s teens?  Some teens think so.  When confronted about the habit of viewing pornography, they argue, “Everyone is doing it.” and “Isn’t it a better way to deal with sexual feelings than actually having sex?”. 

Many parents continue to reject the use of pornography by their teens, but often minimize or underestimate to what extent their teens or viewing pornography and the negative effects that viewing has on adolescent development.

Neurological research has found that pornography is highly addictive due to the chemical release in the brain that occurs while viewing pornography.  For some teens, the euphoria that is experienced from these neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain becomes a phenomena that is difficult to resist.  Many find an escape from reality through viewing pornography.  It becomes an easy way to temporarily avoid life difficulties.   The potency of on-line high definition pornography contributes to how easily some teens become addicted.  The strength of today’s pornography far surpasses what was found in the pornographic magazines of the past. 

Pornography distorts a teen’s view of sexuality and intimacy and ultimately destroys relationships.  One study found that 56% of divorce cases involve one party having an obsessive interest in pornography.  Teens who become addicted to pornography often begin isolate from others and their capacity to effectively socialize with others becomes weakened as increased time and energy is spent in fantasy and escape than in reality. 

As addicted teens move into adulthood and into marriage relationships, therapists warn that some prefer pornography and masturbation to real sex. 

While it is normal for teens to be curious and attracted to pornography, the consequences of developing a habit of viewing pornography can be damaging and long lasting.  If you know a teen or young adult who is struggling with a habit of viewing pornography or a parent who has a child struggling with pornography, let them know there is help.  Contact us today by clicking here.