Three mistakes parents make when working with a child addicted to porn

In our experience working with LDS families battling pornography addiction, we have had the chance to visit with many parents, church leaders, therapists and youth from various parts of the country on the topic of pornography addiction among LDS youth and young adults.  It is apparent that many young LDS members are battling the addiction, but we have been surprised by how few actually seek professional treatment for dealing with the addiction.  Listed are three mistakes that parents make that we believe explain this:

1.          Yes, it’s a problem………….but is professional intervention really needed?

Too often, the chronic use of pornography by youth is not viewed as an addiction, but rather just a bad habit.   The word “addiction” is strong and there is hesitancy on the part of parents, church leaders and youth to accept that an addiction has actually developed.  Because of shame and embarrassment, youth may minimize or downplay the extent of the problem.  As a result, parents and church leaders are often not fully aware of the depth of the issue resulting in the conclusion that professional help is not necessary.   The unfortunate reality of pornography addiction is that most are unable to break free on their own without help.  Parents and church leaders tend to underestimate the level of support and help needed to break the addiction and believe that simply reporting to the bishop when relapse occurs is enough support.  Often it requires both ecclesiastical and professional help over a long period of time to overcome.

2.          “You just need to try harder.”

Overcoming an addiction to pornography can be very difficult.  Too often, those not familiar with the strength of the addiction simplify the process and expect that more desire and more willpower should result in terminating the addiction.  It is hard for those not familiar with addiction to comprehend why some youth continue to relapse into viewing pornography despite every intention to remain abstinent.  While increased commitment and effort are vital to overcoming the addiction, we need to empower our youth with every possible tool for learning to manage the addiction including spiritual support, emotional support, internet accountability and professional intervention.  In fighting pornography addiction, there is no such thing as too much intervention.   This is why both ecclesiastical and professional help are essential.

3.          A few months abstinence equals recovery.

Some addicted youth are able to refrain from viewing pornography for several weeks and even months using willpower.  In some cases, young adults serve missions and refrain from viewing pornography for two years only to return home and fall back into the addiction. While this shows a strong effort on their part, too often youth who have not participated in treatment will eventually relapse back into viewing pornography.  It is important for youth, parents and church leaders to recognize the need for those who have been addicted to have the opportunity to analyze and explore the nature of the addiction including the underlying emotional and psychological issues that lead to the formation of the addiction.  Too often, a few months abstinence is misinterpreted as the problem being resolved and thus, no need for participation in professional treatment.  The reality is that pornography addiction often becomes a life-long management issue and not something that is resolved over the space of a few week or a few months.

Programs for teen porn addictions

Are there programs for teen pornography addictions?

Treatment programs for teen sexual compulsive behaviors such as porn or masturbation addiction are designed to help the youth overcome compulsions that are very similar to drug and alcohol addictions. However, “process addictions” as they are often referred to, are treated differently as they involve processes that are normal for humans to participate in such as sexual activity.  The addiction emerges when the teen develops a compulsion to repeat the act until it begins to impede their emotional development as it becomes a form of coping with life stresses and begins to interfere with their relationships and day-to-day functioning.  Unfortunately, due to the abundance of internet pornography teens are beginning to develop sexual addictions at younger and younger ages wherein participation in sexual behaviors is harmful to their development. Treating process addictions such as pornography or cyber-sexual addiction requires a different approach than drug addiction recovery.  Programs for treating teen pornography addiction range from outpatient treatment such as the Mending The Armor program to intense wilderness therapy experiences such as STAR Guides wilderness. 

What is porn addiction?

Porn addiction is a sex addiction that is specific to viewing pornography.  It is the compulsion to view pornographic material and to masturbate to it with little regard to financial, social and other obligations. Like a true addiction, the pornography consumes a teens thoughts and acations.  Addicted youth will spend hours viewing and masturbating to porn usually in secret and hidden from the knowledge of their parents. The stimulation provides a pleasure that is similiar to the high that drug addicts experience.  Teen porn addicts feel driven to this compulsive behavior to obtain that pleasure again and again. However, each time, the pleasure becomes harder to achieve, leading to more masturbation and porn to achieve the desired euphoria.

How do you treat teen porn addiction?

For most teens addicted to porn, there is typically an underlying psychological issue that drives the porn addiction. In some cases, youth are victims of childhood abuses, in other cases youth were exposed to pornography at a very early age. Due to the ease of access to pornography, some youth simply become addicted out of curiosity.  

Treatment for porn addiction begins with a comprehensive psycho-sexual assessment to determine the underlying conditions driving the addiction.  This assessment provides parents with a guide for the treatment needs of the addicted teen.  Typically, the recommendations for treatment include participation in psychotherapy services in the form of individual therapy, group therapy and family therapy sessions. These sessions may take quite some time to complete. For many teens, learning to manage this addiction can take several months and a great deal of hard work.  The STAR Guides and Mending The Armor programs utilize a combination of these therapies with a particular focus on group therapy. Group therapy is especially helpful to the teen porn addict, as it reverses the solitary nature of that addiction. The compulsion to view porn and masturbate is a private, solo act. In group treatment, the act is no longer personal. This helps tremendously in healing.

Whether the youth is treated in a wilderness or outpatient setting, the mental health portion of porn addiction recovery is the most important and cannot be duplicated without the help of a professional.

The goal of pornography addiction recovery is to teach the teen to survive in a world where sex is a normal function, without developing a dependency on sexual behaviors for emotional coping. This means learning control and self-discipline over the addiction through lifestyle changes and development of healthy coping skills to help the young addict stay on the road to recovery.

Treatment not just prevention efforts needed for teen pornography problem

Over the past year, we have had the good fortune of visiting with parents, teens and professionals from around the country regarding the topic of pornography use among youth.  We have been encouraged by the level of concern expressed by many of those with whom we have interacted.  While most are greatly concerned about the issue and agree that prevention efforts among our youth are vital, those young people who are struggling with addiction issues relating to pornography continue to remain in the shadows.  While research is limited regarding the number of teens addicted to pornography, it does seem apparent to us that very few struggling with compulsive use of pornography are actually getting help.  The fact that so few youth are accessing treatment for this issue is a big concern to us.  Certainly the shame and embarrassment that so often accompanies a pornography addiction is a factor that prevents more from seeking help.  Additionally, the use of pornography becoming more widely accepted in society and its use being considered “normal teen behavior” is likely a factor as well. 

Too often, we minimize potential problems and simply hope they will somehow go away on their own.  As parents and professionals, we need to be more vigilant to assure that those teens who are struggling with pornography addiction are able to get help in breaking free from the addiction.  Failing to do so holds both short-term and long-term damaging ramifications for youth.  In most cases, individuals addicted to pornography are unable to break the addiction on their own.

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:

–– An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society

–– Diminished trust between intimate couples

–– The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy

–– Belief that promiscuity is the natural state

–– Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy

–– Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners

–– Belief that marriage is sexually confining

–– Lack of attraction to family and child-raising

Too many youth do not deal with this issue during their teen years and move into adulthood with an addiction.  As evidenced by the above mentioned study, the consequences lead to the destruction of families and healthy relationships.  In addition to prevention efforts and education about the dangers of pornography, we need to assure that teens struggling with pornography addiction have the chance to get help to break free from the addiction while they are still young.

TEENS AND PORNOGRAPHY: DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN ADDICTION AND BAD HABIT

We are often asked the question: is my child an addict or are they merely engaging in inappropriate behavior? In these modern times it’s hard to distinguish between the two.  Especially when it comes to pornography and masturbation.

The difficulty lies in society’s disagreement over what constitutes the needs of the “natural man.” For example, some people see masturbation as a purely healthy stress reliever, as noted by clinical sexologist Gloria Brame, who stated in a recent Men’s Health article,  "We are programmed, as best we know, to need orgasms. It's a fundamental aspect of men's health, right up there with brushing your teeth."

Just type “is masturbation okay” on Google and you’ll find a whole slew of pro-masturbation articles written by professionals. These same people often don’t see the danger of viewing a little pornography either. If it’s fun, why not do it? If it feels good, why not binge?

The argument against pornography continues to build steam, and is best summed up in this quote from LDS Church apostle Dallin H. Oaks:

“Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food. With a few fatal exceptions, bad food will only make you sick but do no permanent harm. In contrast, a person who feasts upon filthy stories or pornographic or erotic pictures and literature records them in this marvelous retrieval system we call a brain. The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life.”

Herein lies the problem. One side claims pornography is perfectly natural. The other claims it’s a disease. So which side is right? More importantly, which side do you listen to? And how do you know if someone you love needs help?

Listed below are earmarks of addictive behavior to help differentiate between addiction and a bad habit. Keep in mind, sexual desires, thoughts, and actions are perfectly natural. It’s when we begin to lose control over those passions that a problem arises — a notion the “Eat drink and be merry” crowd doesn’t concern itself with. 

Frequency – refers to how often the young person engages in the behavior. If viewing pornography only occurs a few times per year, the behavior is not likely an addiction, although the behavior is clearly inappropriate. If the person views pornography three or four times per week, the presence of an addiction is much more likely.

Duration – Duration refers to how long the problem has persisted. Persistent use of pornography over extended periods of time often reflects the young person’s inability to stop viewing.   A recurring problem may indicate that problem-solving skills by the young person have been inadequate or insufficient. The longer a problem has continued, the more it may require professional assistance. Some problems require more time and expertise than family members and Church leaders can provide.

Intensity – Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more intense. Media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than media of individuals wearing little or no clothing. The viewing of hard-core, intense pornography increases the likelihood of an addiction.

Risk Taking – Another primary factor of addiction is the level of risk-taking behaviors presented by a young person. The stronger the addiction, the more the young person is willing to take risks to satisfy the addiction. Risk-taking activities in youth may include escalating immoral behavior, skipping school, sexual abuse, lying to parents and church leaders and any unlawful or covert behavior.

Q & A: What is the typical profile of a youth who seeks treatment for pornography addiction?

While each youth who seeks treatment for pornography addiction is unique, generally speaking we can characterize these young people in the three following ways:

1.       Most youth we work with are raised with strong moral and family values.  They have been taught to avoid pornography and have been raised with a belief that sexual activity should not occur during adolescence, but rather later in life as a married adult.   Because of this belief system, the formation of a pornography addiction during adolescence creates internal conflict because pornography use contradicts the moral values that have been a part of their upbringing.  In turn this creates a sense of shame, guilt, fear, anxiety and depression.  The reality is that there are many young people who regularly use pornography, but simply do not view it as a problem or issue, and as a result, see no need to get help or even stop viewing.  Many of these youth do not adhere to the same moral standards as the youth who seek treatment.  While pornography is obviously a moral issue, the more that we learn about the impact of pornography on the brain, human behavior and development, the more it becomes apparent that pornography addiction among youth is a developmental issue and not simply a moral issue.  We also are finding that even those who don’t adhere to high standards of morality also experience significant negative ramifications later in their adult years from pornography addiction including divorce, depression and sexual dysfunction.

2.       Most youth we work with have unsuccessfully attempted to stop viewing pornography multiple times on their own and have come to realize that they can’t break the addiction on their own and need help.  It is rare when we have a youth seek treatment who hasn’t already tried to break the addiction on their own.  The youth who seek treatment for pornography addiction have come to fully realize that it a real addiction and that left on their own, they are simply unable to kick the habit.  This realization becomes a primary motivator for their seeking help to overcome the addiction.

3.       Most youth we work with are highly motivated to be successful in their lives and view their habitual use of pornography as an impediment to achieving their goals and personal potential.  Pornography addiction treatment tends to be a service that only those who are truly concerned about self-actualization pursue.  As a result, many of the youth we work with in our pornography addiction treatment programs are actually functioning fairly well in most areas of their lives.  Most are law abiding citizens, respectful, kind and thoughtful, excellent students with good grades and actively striving to improve themselves.  Were it not for their pornography addiction, we would not likely see these youth in our treatment clinic.  We encounter youth who seek treatment for other issues such as substance abuse or mental health issues that are also regularly using pornography; however, these youth are not concerned about their use of pornography and don’t believe that the use of pornography is an issue that needs to be addressed in a treatment setting.

Three reasons why today's teens are more vurnerable than past generations for developing a pornography addiction

Mental health counselors and psychotherapists are seeing a pattern of increasing numbers of teens and young adults seeking treatment for problems related to pornography addiction and its accompanying behaviors.   This pattern suggests a need for further analysis as to why this is occurring and what the long-term ramifications of this may be.  Studies already suggest that most adults struggling with sexual addiction first developed the addiction during adolescence.  Does this pattern predict an epidemic of future sexual addiction as these teens move into adulthood?

The Youth Pornography Addiction Center was founded in 2010 and has been studying this trend and providing treatment to teens and young adults in this area since that time.  Based on its experience, listed below are three reasons why this trend is occurring:

1.Access—Pornography has always been available, but until the age of the internet, had to be accessed in magazines, video tapes and often required entry into adult books stores and was difficult for teens to obtain.  Never before has sexually explicit material been so readily available and easily accessed.   A majority of teens and young adults have laptops, smart phones, I-pads and are constantly connected to the internet.  In a matter of seconds and virtually anywhere, pornography can viewed.  Internet porn is the medium by which most youth view pornography and most of it free of charge and without accountability for age of the viewer.

2.Potency of today’s Porn—There is a drastic difference between today’s online porn and the porn of just a few decades ago. Now, youth can go to countless websites and find more free porn than they could ever find the time to watch….all in high definition video. They can even pick their favorite template, hair color, sexual activity, and just watch video after video of it. It’s all free, easy to access, available within seconds, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and can be viewed on phones at any age.  Addicted teens find themselves driven to view more and more pornography and becoming more and more secretive and deceitful in their efforts to do so.  It is true that erotic photos and videos have been around a long time, but the dopamine arousal from turning the pages of a Playboy magazine can’t hold a candle to the steady stream of ever changing erotic stimulation that is so easily obtained from searching for and viewing online porn. This is why online erotica can create such powerful addictions in teens.  Today’s porn doesn’t satisfy teens’ needs; it distorts them. Teens are particularly vulnerable as the strength of the dopamine high is likely the strongest, most euphoric sensation they have ever experienced in their young lives. Skeptics need to understand this “high” rivals anything that could be achieved with drugs.

3.Diminished authentic relationships—The rising generation has been using technology on a daily basis for their entire lives and it is interfering with their ability to connect with others in a face to face and intimate manner.   Many teens text far more than they talk.  Some send more than 1000 texts a day.  Many teens spend hours and hours playing video games and interacting with “virtual friends” on Facebook while sitting at home alone and isolated from “real friends”.   Intimacy and connectedness can not occur in virtually or in cyberspace.  The National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, which surveyed more than 12,000 high school students throughout the country, has noted that feelings of “connectedness” (feeling close to people at school, fairly treated by teachers, and loved and wanted at home) helped significantly to lower an individual’s likelihood of emotional distress, early sexual activity, substance abuse, violence, and suicide.  Another recent study found in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine has suggested that the more screen (computer, video game, cell phone) exposure teenagers get, the more detached they are from those round them.  There appears to be a relationship between adolescent screen time and the diminished social involvement with parents and peers.  Sexual addiction experts suggest that among the core issues driving the addiction is the lack of intimacy and fear of connectedness.

Mending The Armor is an outpatient treatment program that has been specifically designed to provide LDS youth and young adults with a formal approach for learning to manage and overcome an addiction to pornography and other unwanted sexual behaviors.  This program is currently being offered in eighteen locations in the United States and Canada.  See the Locations page on the website to find an office near you.  If you are therapist interested in providing this service in your office, see the Become A Provider page for information on how to join the Mending The Armor network

Mending The Armor helps therapists grow their practice by offering programs for treating Pornography Addiction

Because of the sexualization of our culture, the ease of access to explicit media and the potency of today's pornography, more and more people are seeking help for addiction to pornography.  Unfortunately, pornography addiction is a problem that has become a major factor in the destruction of marriages and families.  It is anticipated that the need for effective treatment for those addicted will significantly increase in the years to come.

The Mending The Armor program provides therapists with a formal structured approach to working with individuals struggling with pornography addiction.  The program provides separate tracks for teens, young single adults and married adults. 

The program utilizes the Breaking Free workbook which is a curriculum that provides clients with a step by step, structured approach to learning to manage the addiction.  There are versions of this workbook uniquely designed for teens, young single adults, and married adults.  

Therapists in the Mending The Armor network are provided an initial comprehensive training to become qualified to provide treatment.  Additionally, each month, therapists receive a one hour CEU training to continue to grow their knowledge and skill in the area of pornography addiction treatment.  Mending The Armor providers can earn up to 16 CEU credits annually. 

The Mending The Armor program is set up to be easily implemented into any already existing outpatient counseling clinic and is currently being provided in 18 office locations around the United States.

To learn more about the Mending The Armor program and becoming a provider follow the link below or call 800.584.4629.

Learn more about becoming a provider.

Coming Soon: Breaking Free Workbook for LDS Men

Since its founding last year, The Mending The Armor Program has been specifically focused on treating LDS youth and young adults who are striving to conquer pornography addiction.   Unique because of this focus, the program has spread to 18 offices around the country and is currently assisting many teens and young adults in their battle to achieve a recovery from pornography addiction.  The program has been successful in assisting many youth in breaking free from the addiction and being able to accomplish goals including serving missions and become worthy to participate in priesthood duties.

As a result of the success of the program and the demand for quality treatment for LDS men struggling with pornography addiction, The Mending The Armor program is pleased to announce that it is expanding its services to provide specific, formal treatment for LDS men.  The Breaking Free Workbook for LDS Men is scheduled for release in August 2013.  Using a similar format as the youth program, The Mending The Armor program for LDS Men will utilize the Breaking Free workbook in conjunction with individual, group and family therapy sessions.  Current Mending The Amor providers will have access to this new workbook to expand the program to begin work with LDS men. 

Highlights of the Mending The Armor program include a formal, structured approach for assisting clients to understand the cycle of pornography addiction, the underlying emotional issues that drive the addiction, the thinking errors that accompany the addiction, the development of specific strategies for relapse prevention and the creation of a long-term recovery plan.  In addition, the program provides on-line accountability, support for spouses/families and incorporates LDS principles and doctrine into the treatment while encouraging participation in LDS Addiction Recovery Meetings as a source of on-going support.

Celebrating Success

Celebrating Success

The brave youth and young adults who choose to participate in our program truly are among the great and noble ones.   It takes a tremendous amount of courage for these young men to admit to a pornography addiction and to ask for help.  They are motivated by a testimony of the gospel and a strong desire to overcome their addiction.  Most experience the ups and downs in their battle to achieve recovery and face strong adversity and temptation to give up and stop trying.  In their efforts to conquer the addiction, they develop character and integrity and in time, develop the skills to achieve a recovery.

We recently celebrated the success of one of our youth achieving the one year mark for recovery.  This was a great day as this young man had struggled with pornography addiction since he was eleven years-old.  His reaching the year mark was an exciting milestone. 

We also recently celebrated another one of our young adults receiving a mission call.  This was a wonderful moment for him as he has worked so diligently to overcome his addiction.  His becoming worthy to serve a mission and receiving a mission call was an inspiration and motivator to other group members who are striving to overcome the addiction. 

These two successes are testaments to the Mending The Armor group pledge:

“In our battle, we form a brotherhood. Together, we strengthen and support each other as we work toward our goal of becoming men of integrity, worthy husbands and righteous fathers.”

Three misconceptions about pornography addiction and LDS youth that intefere with recovery

As part of our efforts to spread the Mending The Armor program, we have had the chance to visit with many parents, church leaders, therapists and youth from various parts of the country on the topic of pornography addiction among LDS youth and young adults.  Based on these conversations, it seems clear that many youth and young adults struggling with the addiction, but we have been surprised by how few actually seek professional treatment for dealing with the addiction.  Here are three misconceptions that we believe explain this:

1.          Yes, it’s a problem………….but is professional intervention really needed?

Too often, the chronic use of pornography by youth is not viewed as an addiction, but rather just a bad habit.   The word “addiction” is strong and there is hesitancy on the part of parents, church leaders and youth to accept that an addiction exists.  Because of shame and embarrassment, youth may minimize or downplay the extent of the problem.  As a result, parents and church leaders are often not fully aware of the depth of the issue resulting in the conclusion that professional help is not necessary.   The unfortunate reality of pornography addiction is that most are unable to break free on their own without help.

2.          “You just need to try harder.”

Overcoming an addiction to pornography can be very difficult.  Too often, those not familiar with the strength of the addiction simplify the process and expect that more desire and more willpower should result in terminating the addiction.  It is hard for those not familiar with addiction to comprehend why some youth continue to relapse into viewing pornography despite every intention to remain abstinent.  While increased commitment and effort are vital to overcoming the addiction, we need to empower our youth with every possible tool for learning to manage the addiction including spiritual support, emotional support, internet accountability and professional intervention.  In fighting pornography addiction, there is no such thing as too much intervention. 

3.          A few months abstinence equals recovery.

Some addicted youth are able to refrain from viewing pornography for several weeks and even months using willpower.  In some cases, young adults serve missions and refrain from viewing pornography for two years only to return home and fall back into the addiction. While this shows a strong effort on their part, too often youth who have not participated in treatment will eventually relapse back into viewing pornography.  It is important for youth, parents and church leaders to recognize the need for those who have been addicted to have the opportunity to analyze and explore the nature of the addiction including the underlying emotional and psychological issues that lead to the formation of the addiction.  Too often, a few months abstinence is misinterpreted as the problem being resolved and thus, no need for participation in professional treatment.